Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
