Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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