Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
