sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
