Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
