You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
