Swine flu. Run for my life!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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