Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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