I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
