I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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