I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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