at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
