Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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