I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
