I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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