meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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