I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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