I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
