I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
