i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
