You really coming over, don't trick.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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