I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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