I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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