I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
