no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
