he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The air was thick with penises
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
