There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
