the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
