Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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