new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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