If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
