I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
where are you?
Hypothermia
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
