so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
