In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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