...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
