i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
