rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
