your room smells of hookers.
And success
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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