PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
