All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize