i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize