I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
