Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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