matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
