my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
