Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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