If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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