took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
