Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
