does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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