Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
