He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize