I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
