do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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