I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
