Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
