I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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