He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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